I sort of want to start by apologizing for not posting very much last week. Not very much as in I posted once #oops On the other hand, I don’t feel the need to apologize as much as the need to just vent and explain. I tend to over-apologize for things that I don’t need to be sorry for (definitely something I’m working on) I guess what I’m trying to say is that I’m not particularly sorry I didn’t post a lot because I was just having one of those weeks where I sort of needed to focus on me. Typically, admitting that would make me feel like an awful person as I tend to always put everyone before myself, but I’m learning the difficult lesson that sometimes you have to say, “no” and put yourself first.
We all have those days or weeks, or even months where we are just in a rut. I’ve had a lot of changes going on in my life and I’ve just not felt myself. I haven’t felt pretty and I haven’t felt fashionable and I haven’t felt adequate at work and I haven’t felt happy. I’ve tried to paste a smile on my face and continue through everyday life and work being the happy, bubbly Molly that everyone expects, but inside I just feel sort of… off. I’m not totally sure what has me feeling this was. I’m thinking a lot of it has to do with my schedule and just transitioning into adult life. “Adult life” is basically work, sleep, work, the occasional time to hang out with my boyfriend, friends, and family, and then more work and more sleep (the sleep thing is huge since I work third shift and am pretty much on an opposite schedule from the rest of the world. Well, I should be, but I’m not a very good sleeper during the day…lack of sleep is probably part of this rut, too #revelation) Part of it is that age-old “finding yourself” journey. When I was younger I guess I thought this just happened when you graduated and got a job. I guess I thought you got a diploma, a paycheck, and an identity or a brand, I don’t know. I’m working on being the person I want to be and pursuing the giant dreams I have, and it can be difficult. I don’t want this world to make me jaded or cynical and I don’t want it to leave me rough around the edges. I also don’t want to disappoint anyone. I just want to be a person that others look up to and that people like to have around. More than anything, I want to look back at myself years from now and know that I gave all my dreams a shot to become reality, and that I was the person I wanted to be. When you’re in school or just younger in general this seems like a more defined thing. You get good grades, you listen to your parents, you do the right thing. There seem to be measures of success. Obviously, these things continue into adulthood and you should always do the right thing and be kind, but you also have the freedom to sort of define yourself and leave the legacy of your choice. I’m deciding who that person is and what her legacy will be. (And yes, I know I’m young, but I’m a planner!) I wouldn’t normally even admit to feeling this way on such a public platform, but as I explained in my “About Me” section, I want this to be a personal journal of sorts and I want to be as honest and transparent as possible. That means admitting that the girl in the photos isn’t always made-up, and dressed up, and smiling. In fact, as I’m typing this I’m rocking a messy bun, a completely bare face, and a pair of my boyfriend’s sweatpants (I promise I’ll give them back…eventually) I want to be able to be as “me” as possible on my blog and in real life. I know that fashion blogs seem to contradict reality, as they tend to depict the author at his or her best, but it’s all staged. I have pictures where I look completely neurotic and my hair is all off and I’m tripping over my own feet! (Cute right!?) Even the 10 pictures of jewelry or pumpkins I decide to use are just a fraction of the frames I actually took (Pretty sure I have like, 257 make-up product pictures in my iPhoto stream right now…*adds “cIean-up photo library” to my list of things to do*) I am human; I just don’t always choose to discuss every facet of my life. However, I think we should be comfortable doing such. I feel that in sharing my rough time others will know that they aren’t alone in feeling similarly. Right now I’m just going through some things, but I know I’ll come out all right on the other side. I always remind myself that ultimately, I’m in charge of my mood and I need to wake up every morning and make the conscious effort to choose happiness. I’m big into quotes. Quotes, although usually just a couple brief lines of text or even just a couple words usually help to get me in a different frame of mind. Sometimes I just need a profound thought or two to make me remember what’s actually important or to remind me that in the end, everything will be OK. In fact, one of my first Pinterest boards I ever made was entitled “Words of Wisdom” and whenever I’m going through a rough patch I read through the pins I’ve pinned to that board as well as look for new ones to add. I’ve decided to place some of them below (and throughout this post as I’m sure you’ve noticed!) Thank you to anyone who has read this far. I hope this has helped you to better understand me, and perhaps even yourself. I’m typically a person who loves to listen because it takes the pressure off of me sharing my own feelings and because I genuinely like to be there for others. This was me opening up and taking a step in the direction of just being, well…me! All too often I try and be who I think other people want me to be. Happy, bubbly, care free. But, this is how I’m feeling right now and I’m not ashamed. I hope if any of you are feeling similarly or need to vent you know that you can talk to me anytime. Remember, every day is a new one and life is a journey. I’m a firm believe that the best journeys aren’t straight lines, rather they are winding, twisted pathways paved with both the stones of obstacles and triumph and characterized by the stormiest of nights and the sunniest of days. And you know what? We continue on.
All images from Pinterest.com